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A blast from the past

Heritage 80

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Here's Big Al Pt.2:

Big Al's Hot Pepper Story:

I like hot food. I like hot sauce and peppers. I love Buffalo wings and Rochester hot sauce. I thought I was a macho hot pepper eatin' dude. I make "Big Al's Head Sweatin' Chili" and it is world class! I also got my hot pepper eatin' ass handed to me on a platter at our local Supermarket.

This is how I remember it. We have an outstanding local Supermarket chain that is the best I have seen in the nation. Great displays and lots of taste stations. You should see the fresh seafood flown in daily on mounds of ice in the seafood section!

I went in with a buddy, and we were picking up some supplies, when I noticed this big colorful pepper display. They had this real old retired guy who works the station there. There was a big graphic chart with the different peppers and a rating in CPU's for how hot they were. I started with the standard ones and managed to raise a little forehead sweat. The fresh halapenos and chinese chile's were nice and spicy. So were the Hungarian's and Italian bannana peppers and Cherry peppers. Cool lots of different peppers and now there is a crowd of people watching Big Al sample some peps!

That was when I noticed the sign! SCOTCH BONNETS a variety of HABENARO PEPPER that is the hottest pepper known to man! The charts with the CPU's had peppers from like 1,000CPU's to 10,000CPU's and these were like 9,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000, 000CPU's !!
"Gimme one of them Scotch Bonnets" I said. "Son you do not want to eat one. They are dangerous!" replied the old man. Hell I had a crowd of onlookers, I had my public to impress! "Pop's didn't you just see me eat all these other peppers? I KNOW what I'm doing, let me have it!" He cut a little piece off one. He had gloves and safety glasses on, the crowd gasped as I reach past that tiny little sample and popped the whole pepper in my mouth, biting it off at the stem. Chewing hard I put down the stem and said "Not bad! I don't kjlediyg jhu mmma mmmamamanamanaa waaaaaaWAAAAAA WAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA>..............*.......* I couldn't talk, OH MY GOD!!! I THINK I CAUTERIZED MY THROAT........OH PLEASE GOD! LET THERE BE WATER, WATER, WATER I NEED WATER OH MY GOD! QUIT SHOVING BANNANAS AND BREAD AT ME....WATER .....I CAN'T SPEAK WORDS ARE NOT COMMING OUT ONLY THESE WEIRD GASPING SOUNDS..................

Then I saw it..........a mountain of cool refreshing ice. Gurgling, blinded by pain and the rivers of sweat running down my head a made a beeline to the seafood dept. The old guy was yelling and security was after me now as the quickest way to the ice had me leaping counters and bowling bystanders over all the while gurgling and gasping. I shoved the fish out of the way and started stuffing handfulls of ice in my steaming volcano mouth. "Hey mister! You can't do that!" squeeked the high school kid who was behind the counter. I glared at him with my sweatfilled face stuffed with ice and told him , " Mummphth Nomunth bwamphthff." and stuffed more ice in my mouth. Women were grabbing their children and staring in horror at the lunatic in the fish section when two very bad things happened!!!Security caught me and I got the worst BRAIN FREEZE I've ever had from all the ice I had shoveled in my mouth. This must have given me superhuman strength as I was able to get away from the security guys and ran out of the store and made my escape.

My mouth hurt for 3 days. I'm sure I had blisters on my tongue. My buddy who had the car keys couldn't drive 'cause he was laughing so hard and I had to hunker down in the seat, so the security guys wouldn't see me. That was 7 years ago and even though that market is only 2 miles away I go to the one that is 8 miles away. I have not been back inside that awful place since. I also no longer brag about eating hot food.
for now I smell the rain, and with it pain, and it's headed my way..

Big Al


What a guy! Hope he's doing okay.
__________________
 

Tim

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If you could use a laugh, this is an archived thread from long ago that some here may have never read. The stories are reprints by Spose from an earlier thread from the first server by Big Al titled "Wind is an Awful Thing, and Smokin' Kill's". I remember laughing so hard, the BA and Rich stories are both pricless!

http://www.lespaulforum.com/forum/showthread.php?t=12814&highlight=stomach

Is there any way this old link could be restored? It would be great for any of the new members to get to read Big Al's stories he told way back when the forum was new.
 
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Big Al

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Apr 24, 2002
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If you could use a laugh, this is an archived thread from long ago that some here may have never read. The stories are reprints by Spose from an earlier thread from the first server by Big Al titled "Wind is an Awful Thing, and Smokin' Kill's". I remember laughing so hard, the BA and Rich stories are both pricless!

http://www.lespaulforum.com/forum/showthread.php?t=12814&highlight=stomach

I tried that link and it wouldn't let me in. Said I was not a worthy member and to go away! :laugh2: That stuff I wrote is all true, slightly embellished, but the facts are true, not my finest moments.:wow I also told the tale of my old pal Burt and the sea monster. I have no idea if any of that stuff is still around.
 
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Tim

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Al, I don't remember the story about Burt, but it has been a long time. Oh well, I was hoping everybody would get to read your stories again, but I guess the new forum owners don't like them. :dang
 

Triburst

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Al, I don't remember the story about Burt, but it has been a long time. Oh well, I was hoping everybody would get to read your stories again, but I guess the new forum owners don't like them. :dang

In the words of my favorite curmudgeon, :bigal I can guarantee that's not the case. Those are very old threads that may not have been able to be migrated to the new board. It's amazing that they were able to get as much of this board salvaged as they did when it was upgraded.
 

Texas Blues

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Now that's funny!

I've eaten hot sheeit all my life bein' hungarian and all and also

since we had many acre's growing jalapeno's when I was in high school.

Back then my Mexican compadre's turned me on to pequin's and chiletepins.

Good stuff.

Red Savina's ain't all that to me.

Grocery store habs are fairly tame.

I got some trinidad scorpion puree from a pal in Fort Worth that lit

me up like a pinball machine on 220v.

Now THAT sheeit was hot.

And hotter than the Carolina Reaper I had a while back too.

Anne over at Texas Creek has some great stuff.

None of that cap crap extract sheeit.

http://texascreekproducts.com/
 

Big Al

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Al, I don't remember the story about Burt, but it has been a long time. Oh well, I was hoping everybody would get to read your stories again, but I guess the new forum owners don't like them. :dang

Tim it was about a legendary all nighter with my Native American Compadre, Burton and a wild ride in a van on Pismo Beach and a very pissed off Elephant Seal.:laugh2:
 

Tim

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In the words of my favorite curmudgeon, :bigal I can guarantee that's not the case. Those are very old threads that may not have been able to be migrated to the new board. It's amazing that they were able to get as much of this board salvaged as they did when it was upgraded.

The link I posted 5 years ago is on this board and was a copy of a thread started by Al on the old ezboard forum. It was disabled for some reason long before the latest software upgrade. It would be nice to hear a reason, but since we haven't, I can only conclude some bias against Big Al...
 

Tim

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Tim it was about a legendary all nighter with my Native American Compadre, Burton and a wild ride in a van on Pismo Beach and a very pissed off Elephant Seal.:laugh2:

That sounds as good as the others Al, hope we can find it!
 

Heritage 80

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I also remember a Big Al story where he was under the weather and needed to walk a long way through a hellish wind storm to buy a pack of smokes and having an unfortunate "accident" just before being offered a ride home. Great stuff.
 

Heritage 80

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FOUND IT!!!

By Big Al:

Carson City, Nevada is right up against the Sierra Nevada Mts. and in fact covers both the high desert floor at 4000-4500 ft up to 7000 ft in the mountains and includes a small part of Lake Tahoe. Casa Big Al was right at the foot hills and the 7000ft Sierras were less than a mile west of me.
This made for a nice scenic backdrop and for a native New Yorker was a pretty cool vista indeed. Now I had been living in CC for a few years and had made lots of freinds and the Band 'Rambunctious' was doing good and we worked 4-5 nites a week.

After a 4 nite run at a Reno Club I got real sick and was home resting when the AWFUL thing happened.
I had picked up a nasty stomach bug and was in bad shape. I also was out of cigarrettes and this made it even worse. There was a 7-11 a mile east down the road where I could get a pack so I went outside and started walking to the store.

Holy Moley! the wind was ROARING!!!!!!!
See, in Nevada by the Sierras the wind comes rushing down from the Mts, and all the fronts must come from the Pacific over California and over the Mts. It gets quite windy and it is the windiest place I have ever lived. The stretch of highway 50 between Carson City and Reno, in Washoe Valley, has an electric sign that will flash high wind warnings and pickups with campers will loose their shells. We used to count them in the Valley after storms.

Well we were having a doozy of a wind storm and it was just pushing me down the road to the 7-11 and my nicotine relief. I'm talking a sustained 50-60mph wind with gust of up to 75-80mph!!!!
This was a major big wind.
I flew down the road in record time. It was hard not to trot with that wind pushing me. I got there in record time and scored the pack of Camels I so desperatley needed.
Not bad, I stood outside the door of the store in the wind break smokin' a Camel and watchin' all the stuff flying by from the wind. I was still pretty sick, and was a little disoriented, but I'm pretty sure I saw a bird flying backwards and some mean old lady on bike was flying around and yelling she was gonna get me and my little dog too!
I knew I was sick 'cause I didn't even have a dog. Well enough of this crap I better get home.

Wow! the wind was really Blowing!!!!
Now I had to walk against the wind to get home and the wind was pushing against me like a big pair of hands. In my semi delusional, feverish mind, I was picturing all those cartoons were the wind blows people back and I was leaning into the wind hard.
It was a cold wind and I had my hands jammend deep in my pockets. "Man this is weird", I remember thinking. I was leaning forward at a real steep angle and the wind was so strong it held me up!!!!
COOL, I'm a cartoon now!!! Then a rumble tore through my bowels and that familiar cramp feeling hit my lower region!!!! Oh shit!! I gotta Shit!!!! Damn Now I'm doing the real fast poopy walk home against this monster wind and leaning forward like some cartoon character in an old popeye cartoon. Oh Lord I gott go, and this wind is a BEAR!!!!

I came up to the only intersection I would have to cross and then I would only be a block from home.
I was standing there at the corner, waiting for the cars to go by so I could get home and get rid of this terrible abdominal bowel cramp, when I recognized a car as one that belonged to some pals of mine.
Cool I'll tweek their heads. I leaned way forward into the wind and was standing on the corner at an almost 45 degree angle, hands jamed into my pockets, as the carful of freinds pulled up to the intersection when the awful thing happened!!!!!

The wind which had been blowing at a constant 50-60mph would occasionaly gust up to near 80 and would stop you dead in your tracks.
Just before a big gust like that there would be a brief pause in the wind.

That is what happened, and that is when the awful thing occured.

Now all this happened in a mere couple of seconds, it only seemed like an eternity to me.
The wind suddenly stopped. I was leaning forward at a 45 degree angle with my hands in my pockets and suddenly NO WIND TO HOLD ME UP!!!! Oh SHIT GRAVITY!!!!!!!
You can't argue with physics and I started to fall forward face first into the street. My freinds were pulling up and rolling down the window. I saw the street comming at me and went to put out my hands to break my fall. Oh CRAP MY HANDS ARE IN MY FRIGGIN' POCKETS! OH GOD I'M GONNA DIE, A BLOCK FROM HOME IN FRONT OF MY FREINDS I'M GONNA SMASH MY FACE ON THE STREET, I GOTTA TURN, I GOTTA DO SOMETHING OH SHHHHIIIIIITTTT!!!!!!!!

..........SPLAT!

That is when the awful thing happened.

You know when you fall face first onto pavement a funny thing happens.

You temporarily loose muscle control, and if you have been clenching your anus shut against an overpowering urge to let loose with explosive diharrea, you will lose that control and explode you will!
I let loose with an anal barrage that filled my pants with a steaming load of liquid shit. I freed my hands and stood up in the wind to face a carload of howling Hyena Freinds. I stood facing them and one asked, "Gee Al are you alright, you are bleeding? The Hyenas quit laughing as blood started flowing from my head. I barley felt it. Clenching my cheeks together and facing them I said, "It's OK". "Head wounds bleed alot I'm allright!"
I had banged my head pretty good and cut my self over my eye and on my scalp. One of my freinds tried to get out of the car to help me and I pushed the door shut and told them I was OK just embarresed and I could walk the half a block to get home. I was not gonna let them know I shit my pants!!!! Thank god the wind was still blowing against me and keeping the stench away from them. I waved them away, smiling as bravely as I could and after they were gone I did the clenched butt cheek fast walk the rest of the way home.

I threw out my pants and underwear and showered. My head hurt like hell and I did bleed alot and got a nice bruise and a huge knot as a result. I swear I heard the wind laughing at me the rest of that day and I don't like it much anymore. Next time I'll use a cork before I go out!


"Oh yes! That Bashti man have a big damn head!"

Big Al
 

Stoj

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OMG - Al sorry to hear about your fall, but that is one hilarious story :laugh2::lol
 

Red Baron

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I reckon Al could do a 'Krammer' and sell those stories, very funny! :applaude
 

Tim

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Thanks Heritage, so funny and it was good to read it again! Any chance you have the post that Rich made in the same thread when he was working on the house? Between those two stories that had to be the funniest thread of all time!
 

Heritage 80

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Thanks Heritage, so funny and it was good to read it again! Any chance you have the post that Rich made in the same thread when he was working on the house? Between those two stories that had to be the funniest thread of all time!

Can't find Rich's story Tim. :dang
 
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