Big Al
Well-known member
- Joined
- Apr 24, 2002
- Messages
- 14,543
Thanks fellas. It is appreciated. Things have been very hard lately and I have been in a very dark place. Sometimes the pain and frustration are just too much. I am trying very hard to deal with the new reality that almost everything that defined me and was the essential me has been taken away, or diminishes everyday. Yes, I know, I'm glad to be alive, and I do take comfort in seeing my family and friends, but it also is discomforting because everyone treats me different and obviously I don't interact in the same way. My life at this point is a long list of things I used to do and a short list of things I'm still allowed to.
I deal with the constant pain and physical effects of this thing pretty good, but in all honesty I'm not doing so well with the mental aspects. I have no job or function other than as the sick husband, dad or friend. Having cancer and dealing with it has become my new identity. I am constantly reminded that I am not the same person I was, not as strong as I was, not the protector/provider/proactive man I was. I have been in a big funk because I am trying to find a way to deal with this and I'm not as good at it as I try to be. I want to do more for my family. I don't want to be the helpless one when a crisis comes. I want to function at some level as i used to, but I can't and no matter how hard I try, how much effort I put into therapy, I will never get it back.
All the things that made me Big Al are gone. My hands hurt so bad sometimes from the neuropathy that simple tasks frustrate me. I walk like an old man, shuffling along. I am scared of falling and the once strong, take on the world person I was is now a small scared old man, unable to be the Bull I once was. My new reality is a crushing weight that slowly is squeezing the last bits of me away and then I suppose the cancer will take me.
My vision is compromised. Now my hearing is effected. The nerve degeneration causes me to have constant pain, everywhere, and the drugs I take to ease that have there own set of side effects that are nasty in themselves. I just want to have a break from it, for just one day. I exist in my mind now. I am flooded with memories of my past. So many things I have forgotten have come back in vivid memories. It seems my life is the past. Past me only exists in memories and that is where the real me now lives.
The worst part is I don't appear, or look as ill as I am. I am not gaunt and disfigured. I walk funny, but I look like an older me. People assume I am better than I am and while that isn't a bad thing at all, it causes them to offer to engage in activities that I cannot do. I am constantly reminded of how much of me is forever gone by well intentioned friends attempts to engage me in activities I cannot do. I cannot leave the house for long when I am "On Cycle" with the chemo as I tend to get pretty sick and the chemo aggravates and amplifies all the side effects. I have about a 10 day period where I function best and try to schedule things in that window, to do with friends and family.
Sorry for the long pity fest. I just wanted to vent. I do appreciate you guys and the effort you make on my behalf so much. Yes indeed, a proper Classic Sunburst, the rich, beautiful dark brown Gibson Sunburst, so often seen on Arch Tops and ES models is my favorite finish for Les Pauls. I just really, really, really like the look and find that even the plainest topped Les Paul looks elegant and beautiful when dressed in a classic Tobacco Burst. I have just learned to accept it and embrace it. I am a Wacky Tobacky kinda guy. That is my finish of choice and I'm gonna roll with it.
Color me brown.
I deal with the constant pain and physical effects of this thing pretty good, but in all honesty I'm not doing so well with the mental aspects. I have no job or function other than as the sick husband, dad or friend. Having cancer and dealing with it has become my new identity. I am constantly reminded that I am not the same person I was, not as strong as I was, not the protector/provider/proactive man I was. I have been in a big funk because I am trying to find a way to deal with this and I'm not as good at it as I try to be. I want to do more for my family. I don't want to be the helpless one when a crisis comes. I want to function at some level as i used to, but I can't and no matter how hard I try, how much effort I put into therapy, I will never get it back.
All the things that made me Big Al are gone. My hands hurt so bad sometimes from the neuropathy that simple tasks frustrate me. I walk like an old man, shuffling along. I am scared of falling and the once strong, take on the world person I was is now a small scared old man, unable to be the Bull I once was. My new reality is a crushing weight that slowly is squeezing the last bits of me away and then I suppose the cancer will take me.
My vision is compromised. Now my hearing is effected. The nerve degeneration causes me to have constant pain, everywhere, and the drugs I take to ease that have there own set of side effects that are nasty in themselves. I just want to have a break from it, for just one day. I exist in my mind now. I am flooded with memories of my past. So many things I have forgotten have come back in vivid memories. It seems my life is the past. Past me only exists in memories and that is where the real me now lives.
The worst part is I don't appear, or look as ill as I am. I am not gaunt and disfigured. I walk funny, but I look like an older me. People assume I am better than I am and while that isn't a bad thing at all, it causes them to offer to engage in activities that I cannot do. I am constantly reminded of how much of me is forever gone by well intentioned friends attempts to engage me in activities I cannot do. I cannot leave the house for long when I am "On Cycle" with the chemo as I tend to get pretty sick and the chemo aggravates and amplifies all the side effects. I have about a 10 day period where I function best and try to schedule things in that window, to do with friends and family.
Sorry for the long pity fest. I just wanted to vent. I do appreciate you guys and the effort you make on my behalf so much. Yes indeed, a proper Classic Sunburst, the rich, beautiful dark brown Gibson Sunburst, so often seen on Arch Tops and ES models is my favorite finish for Les Pauls. I just really, really, really like the look and find that even the plainest topped Les Paul looks elegant and beautiful when dressed in a classic Tobacco Burst. I have just learned to accept it and embrace it. I am a Wacky Tobacky kinda guy. That is my finish of choice and I'm gonna roll with it.
Color me brown.
